Celebrate Oscar Weekend with an action movie Slugfest

You know? Sometimes the best way to appreciate the Oscars is to appreciate the movies that have absolutely no chance in hell of ever winning one, but are just out to get some laughs, some guns, some cheap thrills, and maybe some stuff blowing up on the side.

So appreciate the Oscar Winners, but if you find time, take a sec and check out these flicks that would never make the podium, but damn fun to watch instead:

1. Bitch Slap - trailer
what: Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
why: This homage to exploitation flicks takes the campiness action of XENA: Warrior Princess and adds some R-Rated sex appeal to it. The movie may run a little long, but crisp, gorgeous visuals, seasoned character actors and lots of good old fashion sex & violence guarantee you'll be entertained to the bloody, pretty end.

2. Grindhouse: Planet Terror/Death Proof - trailer
what: Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino teamed up to make an ode to the drive in flick, gore included.
why: This was an interesting experiment that failed miserably, because we just don't have the attention span to sit through a four hour double header of a movie. Especially one that starts as slowly as 'Death Proof' does. Still, Death Proof picks up significantly when we team up with Kurt Russell and the second group of beauties (including stunt goddess Zoe Bell and a potty mouth Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson), and Planet Terror is gory, creepy fun - a zombie-esque flick with a girl with a machine gun for her leg. Seriously.

3. Tango & Cash - trailer
what:Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them.
why: I have a special place in my heart for this movie. Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell are just magic together in this quintessential late 80s flick that was all brawn and guns and quips. Oh, and Teri Hatcher and explosions. It's just... fun.

4. Big Trouble in Little China - trailer
what: An All-American trucker gets dragged into a centuries-old mystical battle in Chinatown.
why: I've just realized that three of these movies feature Kurt Russell. Is he the campy movie King? Quite possibly. And if you need a reason to watch Big Trouble in Little China, then I'm sad for you.

5. Desperado - trailer
what: A gunslinger is embroiled in a war with a local drug runner.
why: Robert Rodriguez takes the gun battle and makes it almost a musical with this tale of the mariachi with a load of guns in his guitar case who comes to a small town looking for revenge, and blows up stuff and kills a ton of people and sings and bleeds all over everything. It's quite poetic. And loud.

There's More to Vegas Than A Slot Machine...

I do love living in California (though, yes, it is the only place I've actually lived for more than a month or two and didn't involve pitching a tent and washing my clothes on a tarp. The Philippines. Ya know.), and one of the reasons for that, is that there are plenty of ways to take an awesome weekend vacation.

You can head up to wine country and hit the Dutch town Solvang on the way back. You can fly up to San Francisco and take in the sights of the Bay. You can head down to Mexico, skirting past dirty Tijuana and hitting up Puerto Nuevo, the little lobster town with a thousand restaurants. If you're up for some skiing, there's Mammoth and Big Bear.

Many of these little gems often get over looked in the movies thanks to a little place called Sin City. Yes, Vegas, baby. The place where reality is fictional, and if you don't remember it, it didn't happen in the first place.

I've got less of a love for Vegas than most, mostly because, having family there, the glamour has become a bit rusty, the shiny a little more dull. And though I love a good party, I've never been the type to head out and hit the clubs, stumbling back into my hotel room at 6AM. I'm more the type to complain about my heels at 9PM, start yawning at 10PM, and hobble to the taxi line at 11PM.

As for gambling? My only real sport is Poker, and I still don't have the confidence to sit at a table with the pros. So I stick to the slots, and everytime I see the little credits line go down and the little images sort across the screen, think, 'This is so lame. I hate this. I'm wasting money. I spent a dime to win a nickel. This is so dumb.'

Yeah. A vegas gambler I am not.

Luckily, Vegas does have some amazing things for the non-gambler, non-drinker.

For one, the food.

But we won't focus on that, because I've already gained enough weight this weekend. Instead, take a look at these attractions:

The Red Rock Canyons
Located about 20 minutes away from the strip, Red Rock National Park is just an amazing, gorgeous place to get away from the cigarette smoke and the flourescent lights. The water carved sand stone canyons look like paintings, and you can be a kid again by climbing and scampering all over the rocks, pretending you're a real life cliff-hanger! No? Just me then? Okay then.

It's a 13 mile drive, with stops along the route. Keep your eye out for wild donkeys, agave plants and sacred roasting sights left there by the Native Americans.

And give a good glare to anyone that dares to litter this gorgeous treasure of a park.

Vinnie Favorito at the Flamingo - website
The ultimate insult comic. You sit in the audience and take your lickings, because no matter what, Vinnie finds you, prepared to skewer you whole for the laughter of everyone else.

And you have to laugh. Because it's pretty damn funny.

An hour of non-stop funny, actually. Definiately worth going. But take your sense of humor with you, and be prepared for your pride to take a few dents. The upside is, pretty soon, he'll move on and make fun of the guy's big head next to you. And then you can laugh at him.

The Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay
Tucked away at the Mandalay Bay, is this gorgeously planned Aquarium with some pretty amazing water animals. They've got komodo dragons, pirahnas, tangs, rays, jelly fish, octupai, and pretty much every shark you can imagine, all put together in a floor plan that fells like you're traveling deeper into an abandoned jungle.

It's costly (18 bucks/person), but the aquarium is at least an hour's worth of entertainment and, let's face it, wouldn't you spend that much on a slot machine in twenty minutes?

And honorable mention goes to: Southwest Airlines
Now, I may have lost 60$ to the slots in Vegas this weekend, but luck was definitely on my side on the flight back. Okay, not really. I was scheduled to fly back to Los Angeles at 9:30PM, and when I got to the airport, I found to my dismay, that my flight was delayed to 11:30PM.

That meant waiting around in the airport for 6 hours, waiting for a one hour flight. Oh, hells-no.

Luckily, the nice lady at the counter of the flight leaving for LAX at 7:30PM, put me in on standby and then put me on the plane. I got a middle seat, and I had to check my carryon, but I was snug in my bed with my pooch by my side at 11:30PM, and NOT huddled in an airport cursing airports and airlines and the man who made them.

That's a win in my book.

Things to do this weekend...

"Twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park. It makes me feel mighty."

http://www.savebetteroffted.com/

Now it's off for a weekend of Superbowl inspired fun, including movies with three of my favorite people, flag football in a wet park, and at least 20 sports-minded ladies crowded into one room to root for the Saints or the Cowboys.

Is it wrong that I'm more excited about the annual PUPPY BOWL on Animal Planet?

At least it's something to pass the time, in between the absolutely FABULOUS Rupaul's Drag Race, and succumbing to my need for foreign TV Shows, like British soap SKINS and the fast approaching season premiere of Spanish drama Los Hombres De Paco.

Seriously, if American TV is going to cancel gems like Better Off Ted, I need to go out of the country for quality drama.

Except for Chuck. Chuck! I still love you! You too, Modern Family!

I gots mah sand... my snuggie... It's all good

I gots mah sand, originally uploaded by Mistiec_Flores.

Thalia at the dog beach in Long Beach, chilling in her Christmas Snuggie.

It's nice to have sunshine and warmth, isn't it?

Better Off Ted - the awesome show that no one watched

This week, the quirky and awkwardly brilliant work place comedy Better off Ted quietly aired what will probably be the last episode of the series, after being burned off two episodes a week after a stale and wobbly retooled version of 'Scrubs'.

The episode itself, entitled 'Mess of a Salesmen', displayed the usual dynamics of the employees of Veridian Dynamics. Ted, our empathic corporate middle man, tried to give his slacker brother a job, but only suceeded in causing more workplace shenegigans, when his rebellious inspired Ted's socially awkward scientists to act out by ordering extravagantly - including a corpse-of-the-month-club. Meanwhile, boss Veronica and cubicle drone Linda raised money for young women, but upon discovery that their company kept 95% of the money, headbutted the president of the foundation. Literally.

It made perfect sense. And it was hilarious.

With a regular 2.1 over all rating, and none of the attention and hooplah that have been given to ABC's Wednesday night comedies (Modern Family, CougarTown, The Middle), Better Off Ted and its fantastic cast will probably go the way of other critical darlings like Arrested Development. Appreciated by few, watched by even less.

Frankly, the show deserved better.

Yes, I'm bitter. Maybe the show's quirky comedy wasn't funny, but I found BoT brilliant, insensitive, hilarious, and genuinely FUNNY, unafraid to take on work place issues like gender, race, sexual harassment and mock them and our instinctive reaction to them in a delicious way. It took workplace comedies and spun them on it's head. The cast shone, and Portia Di Rossi's ever evolving Evil-Boss-With-A-Heart Veronica Palmer was played with such deadpan perfection it's emmy worthy.

The rest of the cast is just as capable, and even Linda, who existed in the first season merely as Ted's love interest and therefore remained the unfunniest member of the cast, has found her footing as the loony soul and concious of both Ted and Veronica. Mad Scientists Lem and Phil are both charming and hilarous in their bromance and geekery, and really, it's just too soon to lose them.

Why, ABC, why? Why not give Better Off Ted an actual chance, instead burning off episodes behind an ailing Scrubs?

How else am I going to find gems of quotes like this?

Phil: We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.

Veronica: The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.

Lem: Maybe we should take a stand. Maybe we should say this is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Phil: Or maybe we say that the next thing we make must not be used for evil, but this one with we're fine with. And maybe the next one after that. But someday, they will push us too far, and the next time after that..
Lem: No, the time is now. 12:35. Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes and then commit to something.

Ted: What are you afraid of? If you... if you throw a game, it's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters hall of fame?
Linda: No. My position there is secure from getting my art history degree.

Veronica: Oh, God, we have unhappy Germans. Nothing good has ever come from that.

For a taste of what you've been missing if you haven't been watching this show, check out last week's episode here:

Snow: The Better For Crashing Into

"You're budding into such a wordly adult!" a friend enthusiastically exclaimed to me, on a tail end on my New Years trip to Mammoth. She hugged me like a proud parent.

"Yes," I agreed sagely. "I can ski now! I'm no longer a poor latin kid from the ghetto!"

All of the above is a complete exaggeration. Not the actual conversation, but the content. After all, my 'worldly' expertise comes mostly from books, and a poor kid from the ghetto, I never was. I was never rich, but I was always provided for, thanks to a hard working mother and father. And I may have grown up in the inner city, but I spent most of that time being bussed to private schools or at summer camps or afterschool jobs.

But none of that takes away from the very exciting reality that I can ski now! Sort of. I can stand up wearing skis, and I can more or less inch my way down a bunny slope with my arms spread out in front of me for balance.

That counts, doesn't it?

My first trip to Mammoth wasn't without mishaps, but I can't imagine a better way to begin a new year. And quite honestly, it's quite a mirror for my life until now. A heck of a lot of unbalance, the occasional plunge into a white, powdery cloud of snow or the unrelenting smack against a fence (I had literally almost impaled myself, at one point), or the free falling jerk out of my skiis, with a finale of literally flipping over my head before landing on my knees laughing, and finally, the feeling of nervous accomplishment when, just for a moment, I was actually SKIING.

Triumphant moments coupled together with the occasional skids, setbacks and bruises, but always the help of a caring friend or loved one to help pull me back up or record the moment for posterity.

The weekend was not without it's quiet adventures. There was a point where I was walking a mile along a gravel highway in nothing but socks, looking for a car that had been parked further away than anyone wanted. But even as I trudged along the icy road, feet freezing, with a car key in my hand, I had within me a satisfaction that came from the accomplishment of FINALLY doing that thing I always meant to do.

I'm by no means good at skiing. But dammit, I did it. And that's a small success, if there ever was one.

What more can you ask from a New Year?

SQUIRREL!!! The Perils of ADD

Liberty Park, originally uploaded by Mistiec_Flores.

I went to my doctor yesterday, for a routine visit to discuss my Adderall prescription. He caught me sitting in the office in the dark, because I had been sitting in my chair for about ten minutes, enough to trick the motion sensors into believing there was no one in the room. I hadn't bothered to turn them on again, however, because I was playing quite happily on my Nintendo DS.

Yes, Adderall, that ADHD drug that actually really does help with focus but is badly abused as a weight loss suppressant and candy of the Hollywood Elite.

I tend to avoid taking it unless I absolutely have to, which means once or twice at work and almost never on weekends, unless there is a musical or play or something that will be particularly brutal to sit through (Dinners are generally harder than most, because my utter twitchiness will have me reaching for the salt or a straw or anything to 'play' with, which results more often than not in people snatching things out of my hand and ordering me not to play with my food).

I didn't take it all weekend (which resulted in monumental withdrawal headaches), and was commended on it by Laura.

"Honestly," I told her. "I just forgot."

She grinned. "SQUIRREL!"

Yes, Squirrel.

I think I must have done too good of a job at rationing myself, however. My doctor took a look at the last time he wrote a prescription and found himself perplexed that it had been that long.

"Hmm," he said, scribbling away at his pad, and then glanced up suspiciously. "Are you getting this prescription from anyone else?"

"No!" I answered, but he remained suspicious, wary that I had been cheating on him with another prescription writer. I shuffled in my seat, and finally slumped my shoulders. "Sometimes I just forget to take them," I mumbled.

He absorbed that. "Ah. That makes sense." And back to writing he went, satisfied.

'Squirrel!' I thought to myself, and sighed, thinking I should be wearing a metaphorical 'cone of shame'.

Don't you hate when you can most identify with an animated dog who is routinely distracted by a furry animal?

Don't know what I'm talking about? Watch this clip from UP: