Friday, December 21, 2007

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: The Finale

Okay... I could go on a complete psychoanalytical rant to describe my complete boggle over the fact that Tila chose BOBBY over Dani. Bobby, who has proven to be homephobic, close-minded, and rather... idiotic the entire game over quite possible the most honest and real contestant there.

But I won't.

Now, don't get me wrong: Bobby is cute. To me? That's about as much as he has going for him.

Really, Tila? Really?

Why couldn't it have been Domenico, at the least, if it couldn't be Dani?


Here's hoping for a Dani appearance on Domenico's spin-off 'That's Amore!'.

Monday, December 17, 2007

If I Were an Evil Overlord...

There are quite a few guidelines I would follow, because it seems that in the movies, no matter how smart the villians are, they always make a few fatal mistakes. Such as revealing the secret to their evil plans to the hero before they try to kill him. Or insisting on trying to bang the hero's girlfriend when she clearly wants to kill him. Or letting the plucky sidekick live...

Luckily, someone thought to write down a list of rules every Evil Overlord should follow.

Good research for someone lookin' to take over the world (Osama need not apply).

The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

read the rest at

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Writer's Strike Makes Me Sad

Because I love TV. Obviously. I want to watch it forever. And now all the shows are dropping like flies because there is no one to write for them.

Not to mention, there is now a plethora of unemployed creative types who have nothing to do and are bored - really really dangerous combination.

Some writers put it to good and funny use, like creating a funny short starring Christina Applegate as a rooster-pecked wife.

Others - crash the Carson Daly show and get forcibly ejected.

Never invite the anger of creatively minded bitter bored people.

That's how I fractured an ankle and sprained the other one. On the same day.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Season of Giving (myself!)

So now that I have a new job, I get two weeks off, paid. My sister suggested that, in the spirit of the Holiday I give back. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or something.

My idea?

Spread a little cheer, in the form of an awesome snapshot of me.

I wonder how many homeless people on Skidrow would want to hit me if I presented them with a finely wrapped picure of cute little chubby me.

Oh, God. I wouldn't survive.

But man would I want to film that.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Christmas in LA

There are way too many 'white christmas' songs out there. LA people don't get snow. We get smog, dammit.

Well, and Paris Hilton.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila: Mexico!

What Went Down:
Tila and the final three head down to Mexico for a mini vacation, with three overnight dates with Amanda, Bobby and Dani (in that order) and swimming with dolphins, zipping through the tree tops and an exclusive pool party in what appeared to be an abandoned hotel. Also? Incredibly awkward morning after breakfasts, where the two people who didn’t get the spend the night with Tila were forced to make nice with each other while Tila cooed over whoever was in her favor.

Also? Amanda cried (in a bad way), Tila cried (in a good way), Bobby and Amanda dressed in drag, and Dani has this thing in the bag.

Despite her best efforts to trash Dani, and her shared ex-junkie past with Tila, Amanda was sent home.

What I think:

Now that it’s down to the final three, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila has gotten serious. Well, as serious as someone who likes to pole dance on firemen’s poles and have a chocolate pudding party can be.

Gone are the silly and pointless guys-against-girls competitions and eating of the penis and balls. The big red bed that previously had 30 guys and girls is now overflowing with empty space.

The result? A surprisingly watchable show. The real emotions are starting to seep through, and as a resulte, we're seeing less of a Cheerleader!Tila and more of the girl who seems to be in way over her (slightly slutty) head.

As for our final three? This competition has become less about friendship and more about Tila. Which I’m sure Tila’s perfectly fine with.

As the last guy standing, Bobby is feeling pretty confident, but even he now is feeling the pinch of Tila's obvious preference for the ladies. He's hurt that Tila could say she likes him and then be all over Dani, he's upset that he has to share her, and any lingering preconvictions that he has any sort of advantage as the male has completely dissapated.

Amanda is trying hard to make it happen for herself. She knows her clock is ticking, and it's crunch time. Aware that Dani’s confidence in remaiing aren’t that unfounded, she now takes it upon herself to try and put a dent in Tila’s affection for Dani, and tries to throw Bobby the farmboy under a bus while she's at it. It's the 'they're so horrible I look awesome in comparison' strategy.

As a result, she seriously screws up her game. Bobby? Okay. He’s kinda coming off as a whiny douche, but accusing Dani of promiscuity? First of all, Dani? Buff. Gay. Firefighter. Of course she’s going to be swimming in women! And two – in what world would TILA FREAKING TEQUILA judge someone over that?

Amanda doesn't seem to see the signals that Tila cares more about the fact that she's giving her dirt on Dani than actually spending time with Amanda to begin with. Nor does it register that Tila uses the word 'stung' when describing how she felt when she heard that Dani was a lotta ladies lover.

In other words - she doesn't see it coming. Amanda? You've gotten yourself trapped in the big-boobed friend zone.

Meanwhile, Dani refuses to bad mouth her competitors, and gives a toast that brings Tila to tears. Like… literal sobby tears.

If Dani doesn’t win this thing, I will be so effin surprised.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

How to Fold a T-Shirt

In five seconds or less.

Do you know how long me, my sister, and my mom argued over the proper way to be a monkey and mimic this lady?

30 minutes.

I left them arguing.

I'd rather fold my t-shirts crappily.

For an easier explanation that's not in... a foreign language (but you get a cool british voice) click here.

Monday, December 3, 2007

A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila: The Home Visits

Somewhere along the line this show went from being an embarrassment to being oddly touching. Which is weird, because in this episode, Tila hit on an underage kid, gave a grandma a lap dance, tarnished a fireman’s pole by rubbing her crotch all over it, and made out with a guy on his bed while his parents sat uncomfortably, waiting for them at the dinner table downstairs.

Summed up? Tila tried to shock. And to an extent, she did. Blatantly announcing to a boy’s family that you’re bisexual (excuse me ‘a bisexual’) within minutes of meeting them isn’t quite exactly protocol, especially when these families are clearly… er… not expecting it.

Still, despite doing things that no one in their right mind would ever do if you were introduced to the parents, the episode managed to have its own … sweet moments. Tila seemed to genuinely care, and witnessing the home of the special needs kids, and seeing her bond with them? Actually made me… well… like her a little bit.

Her home visit with Dani, as well, brought some sweet moments, as Dani’s firemen family and her real family both made it clear to Tila that it was an honor to have Dani in her life, and she was humbled by the response.

But of course the entire point of the home visits was to weed out the bigots, and to an extent, I guess that’s what happened. While no one kicked Tila out of the house, Ryan’s family clearly had the biggest problem with her and her personality (what with her hitting on his younger sister and all), and that, was enough to kick Mr. Frat Boy to the curb.

Which leaves two girls and a guy.

Honestly, I’m a little surprised. There had to be three, but I never expected the balance to swing so highly in the girl’s favor. Then again, we’ve come down to the least anticipated top three I’ve seen. The obvious shoo-ins: Rebecca, Brandi, Stephen, La La, shot themselves in the foot and fell out, and who do we have left?

Amanda is only still around because Brandi left the game. She knows it. We know it. Tila knows it. Brandi leaving was a god-send to her, and with good reason. Now that she got the home visits, she got to show off her family (Her incredibly generous and sweet parents and the 7 special needs children they’ve adopted), which, it turns out, is the best thing about her. Amanda has always seemed the slightest bit of a hypocrite. She was featured in Lifetime’s ‘The Secret Lives of Women’ documentary in a ‘Lipstick Lesbians’ special, along with her butchier partner. Puzzlingly, one of her first comments about Dani was ‘Butches. Ew’.

That’s pretty much my summation of Amanda: Ew.

Bobby, I like even less. I would honestly find it so much easier to root for the guys on this show if they weren’t all terminal douches – Domenico excepted. This guy drives me crazy. He wants to come off so sweet and sensitive and then he just… does stuff that bugs me. Like insisting Ashli could not possibly know she was a lesbian until she had slept with a guy. He did other stuff too. I swear. Either way. He bugs me.

Which leaves me to the only contestant I actually want to win – Dani. Firefighter futch-y sweetheart Dani. Whose grandma got a lapdance.

Please win, Dani. For my sanity.