Monday, December 17, 2007

If I Were an Evil Overlord...

There are quite a few guidelines I would follow, because it seems that in the movies, no matter how smart the villians are, they always make a few fatal mistakes. Such as revealing the secret to their evil plans to the hero before they try to kill him. Or insisting on trying to bang the hero's girlfriend when she clearly wants to kill him. Or letting the plucky sidekick live...

Luckily, someone thought to write down a list of rules every Evil Overlord should follow.

Good research for someone lookin' to take over the world (Osama need not apply).

The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

read the rest at

1 comment:

  1. I don't think I'd care to be an Evil Overlord. Far too much work for far too little reward--yes, I know, billions of dollars every time you hold the world for ransom but your overhead is just ridiculous. Salaries. R&D. Infrastructure. Body disposal services. No health insurance or paid vacation time, no day care, not so much as a freaking discount parking pass. It's not worth it.

    (Seriously, there have been studies done that show drug dealers wind up effectively making less per hour than the part-time guy at McDonalds, with accompanying huge personal risk. If people were better at math there would be a lot less crime. Also no lottery.)