SQUIRREL!!! The Perils of ADD

Liberty Park, originally uploaded by Mistiec_Flores.

I went to my doctor yesterday, for a routine visit to discuss my Adderall prescription. He caught me sitting in the office in the dark, because I had been sitting in my chair for about ten minutes, enough to trick the motion sensors into believing there was no one in the room. I hadn't bothered to turn them on again, however, because I was playing quite happily on my Nintendo DS.

Yes, Adderall, that ADHD drug that actually really does help with focus but is badly abused as a weight loss suppressant and candy of the Hollywood Elite.

I tend to avoid taking it unless I absolutely have to, which means once or twice at work and almost never on weekends, unless there is a musical or play or something that will be particularly brutal to sit through (Dinners are generally harder than most, because my utter twitchiness will have me reaching for the salt or a straw or anything to 'play' with, which results more often than not in people snatching things out of my hand and ordering me not to play with my food).

I didn't take it all weekend (which resulted in monumental withdrawal headaches), and was commended on it by Laura.

"Honestly," I told her. "I just forgot."

She grinned. "SQUIRREL!"

Yes, Squirrel.

I think I must have done too good of a job at rationing myself, however. My doctor took a look at the last time he wrote a prescription and found himself perplexed that it had been that long.

"Hmm," he said, scribbling away at his pad, and then glanced up suspiciously. "Are you getting this prescription from anyone else?"

"No!" I answered, but he remained suspicious, wary that I had been cheating on him with another prescription writer. I shuffled in my seat, and finally slumped my shoulders. "Sometimes I just forget to take them," I mumbled.

He absorbed that. "Ah. That makes sense." And back to writing he went, satisfied.

'Squirrel!' I thought to myself, and sighed, thinking I should be wearing a metaphorical 'cone of shame'.

Don't you hate when you can most identify with an animated dog who is routinely distracted by a furry animal?

Don't know what I'm talking about? Watch this clip from UP:

It's the little things in life...

A lazy Saturday nap was interrupted by the excitement of my mother, who yelled into my room, "Come see! The police are here! They're arresting the neighbor boy!"

Now, considering the fact that we live in what is technically defined as South Central Los Angeles, you'd think this would be a regular occurence (at least judging by the way some of my friends act when they come visit). It's not. Thanks to the last time I called the cops (for the very boring reason to tow a car that was blocking our driveway), I have learned that our neighborhood is relatively boring. No real gang affiliation. No gang activity. We're just a little street filled with families and large Victorian houses left behind when the rich people of Downtown fled for the safety of suburbia. So the fact that five cop cars came to arrest one little kid? A big deal. It's completely clear when I stepped out onto our porch and discovered people spilling out of house after house, goggle-eyed and fascinated at the spectacle before them. Four cop cars, flashing lights, and a young man in hand cuffs, looking terrified as he stood next to the cars.

The silliness of this is monumental when you realize what ACTUALLY happened. You see, our little quiet neighborhood does have a couple of hiccups. One of them is the boys across the street. Young men in their late teens and early twenties who literally have nothing to do but hang out around their house in the street and generally annoy the rest of the neighborhood by popping fireworks anytime they have any semblance of a reason (ILLEGAL) or zooming up and down the street in a very noisy, very annoying mini-motorcyle (also ILLEGAL), or working with their 'band' and drumming at all hours.

Guess which one attracted the attention of the police? One of the men/boys/peterpanguys was taking a noisy little joyride up and down the street, when the blare of sirens was suddenly heard.

"STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!" came the demand.

What could have been a fine instead turned into hysteria when the boy zoomed back down the block and ran into the house.

Because that would stop the police. Because they LOVE when you run from them.

Fastforward to twenty minutes later, and witness four police cars and a tow truck (to confiscate the MINI BIKE) standing around discussing the situation with the massive crowd that spilled from the house, and you have quite a tame circus. The finale? The police letting the kid go an hour later.

I blinked, and went back to bed, thankful that at least I could take my nap without the buzz of that damn minibike.

For all my bravery-

This is what I look like when I see a cockroach:

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Seriously. They freak me out. I don't know why. Mice? I think are cute. Same with snakes. And lizards. And spiders. Spiders are awesome. But roaches? Ick. Maybe it's because they wear their skeleton ON THE OUTSIDE.

Like SKELETOR!

Roaches are evil like Skeletor!

And I'm not just saying this because I'm ashamed of the fact that I screamed like a little girl when I found some sort of Junebug on my stove the other night and forced my mom and my friends to take care of it while I hid in the bathroom.

I base this on scientific observation. Cause.... Skeletor.

Better Living Through Comedy

Prop 8: The Musical

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

If This Were A Farside Cartoon-

IMG_1034, originally uploaded by Mistiec_Flores.

The caption would read:
"It was then that Earl realized that he did not lock the Great White cages...." - tm findley


The Farside is so much better than real life sometimes.

Sex In Christ: Apparently it's just a matter of semantics...

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Keeping up Comic Geek Appearances:

And in celebration of the fact that I'm finally getting to go see Iron Man this weekend, witness Marvel and DC finally find common ground:



It only took electrocuting SpiderMan in the balls to do it.

Once again, the Japanese Do it Better...

No way would American's ever come up with something as cheesily awesome as recreating 'We Are The World', complete with bad make up and impressions. No wayz.

Alternative V-Day Movies: Be Romantic Without Being a Schmuck

I have to admit, Valentine's Day has never gone over smoothly for me. I have vivid recollections of disapointing gifts, awkward break-ups, and at one point in time, two guys showing up at my house in the space of a half an hour.

Add to that a fear of committment that stems from the fear of getting married, and you have an insecurure individual who resents Valentine's Day and yet still battles a romantic's heart.

That said, I'm the kind of person that scoffs at The Notebook, hated the Titanic for the sheer idiocy of Kate Winslet's character jumping BACK ON THE BOAT, and hated Julia Ormand's character from 'Legends of the Fall' because she was a selfish bitch.

If you're like me, and can still appreciate a sentimental holiday without wanting to sift through the dreck that is over indulgent sappiness (Buffy and Angel make me gag), here's a few movies to consider that will still make you happy about love, without losing some dignity.

1. There's Something About Mary
What it's About: An awkward teenager lands the girl of his dreams for prom night, only to have a disastrous accident involving his balls. Years later, he can't get Mary out of his head, and he embarks on a mission to find her.
Why it's Alternative: Full of gross out gags and weirdo characters, There's Something About Mary is a guy's romance movie. What makes it work is a likable lead , killer villains, and a surprisingly earnest love story that actually makes you tear up a little. Mary herself is a guy's invention of 'The Perfect Girl' but surprisingly, Cameron Diaz pulls her off as layered and human: that's quite a tall order.
Schmuck Rating: C. You can claim you're watching it for the penis jokes, and on one will be the wiser.
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2. Imagine Me & You
What it's About: A bride meets her soulmate on her wedding day. It's not her husband, and it's a chick.
Why it's Alternative: You don't see that many romantic comedies featuring two ladies as the star crossed lovers. And a pre Terminator Lena is refreshingly engaging as the florist who falls for the bride.
Schmuck Rating: B+ - it's got some sappy moments, but you can always chock it to watching two hot chicks.
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3. The Bourne Identity
What it's About: An ex assasin with no memories struggles to uncover his past and evade the conspiracy that is threatening to bring him down.
Why it's Alternative: It's a shoot-em-up action flick, but the love story behind it is better done than most action movies.
Schmuck Rating: F - You're no schmuck, you just like a good action movie, dammit.
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4. Practical Magic
What it's About: Two witch sisters' past comes back to haunt them, literally, when one's abusive boyfriend rises from the dead.
Why it's Alternative: Not as cheesy as it sounds, and it's a love story about family.
Schmuck Rating: B - it's a chick flick, but Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are really hot in it.
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5. Juno
What it's About: A teenager discovers she's pregant, and resolves to have the baby and give it to a picture perfect family she finds in the penny saver.
Why it's Alternative: You can't get much more alternative than a teen pregancy storyline.
Schmuck Rating: B- - it never ventures into sappy, and it's Oscar Nominated. And it was also written by an ex-stripper.
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Sometimes I Really Want Another Cat.

And then I remember why I don't have one anymore.

Fun in the Murderhouse: Making fun of Mystery

I may not be the sharpest tool in the drawer, but I have to admit, I used to be a bit of a thinker. In high school, I was a junior who could solve calculus problems with a smile and a piece of chalk, and looked forward to the insolvable Problem of the Weeks (in which we were handing in 5 page essays with complicated math questions, weird questions: a memorable one featured The Pit and the Pendulum). Such was the norm at a magnet school, where the only real distinction between the 'nerds' and the 'cool kids' was who could color coordinate.

That said, I had a pretty sharp little mind there. My entrance essay to USC was a brilliant rumination of my marathon run and it's comparison to college.

Then of course, I entered communication, and it was downhill from there. What I learned was mostly how to bullshit and how the scholars of our time have made it an awesome artform. I also learned that college communication students love to argue with the professor, and it's also okay to write a thesis on Fatal Attraction (I've seen enough of Michael Douglas' bare ass to last me a friggin' lifetime). That said, instead of culling my mind, I've become quite dim. (It's okay: I've got Brain Age on DS)

That said, I still love a good mystery to give my brain a nice nibble. The problem of course, is that most mysteries these days are friggin' easy to figure out, particularly with the introduction of such shows like Criminal Minds,CSI, Without a Trace, etc.

Can you spot the murderer?

1) Always bet on the lover. Unless the lover saves puppys.

2) Always bet on the lesbian. Bonus points if she's evil.

3) The random dude that gets featured in the last minutes? It's him.

4) That random person that keeps showing up that you can't figure out what they're doing there? That's him too.

5) Always bet on the weirdly likable person that the sidekick stops by to see on a whim, while the hero is running off after the main suspect. Bonus points if you hear ominous music when the crazy person closes the door.

Given the formula, how can you not make fun of it?

Who's ready for 'Not Another Cheesy Murder Mystery?'

Fortunately, it's been done, and brilliantly.

Before Resident Evil, There was a movie based on a video game that was actually good (And no, DOOM, we're not talking to you. Step Back, Hit Man - I'm still waitin' for Max Payne). Based on the boardgame, CLUE took some of the most talented comedians of the time, and put them all in a mansion with a character and multiple murders. There's the savy wickedly sex Ms Scarlett, the horndog Professor Plum, the deadly Mrs. White, and many others, including, of course,the Butler, featuring Tim Curry in my favorite role (yes, even more than Rocky Horror Picture Show).

Nothing is what you'd expect, and yet it all makes sense.

But also? It's wickedly funny .


Quotes:

Mrs. White: [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I believe you... I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Professor Plum: Me too.
Colonel Mustard: And me.
Miss Scarlet: Not me.
Wadsworth: [surprised] You're NOT being blackmailed...?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right... but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

Colonel Mustard: This is war Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking some eggs, every cook will tell you that.

Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!

Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!

Want something funny, mysterious, and making no sense at all? Try Murder By Death which takes living incarnations of famous detectives such as Nick and Nora, Charlie Chan, Agatha Christie, and Columbo and puts them together in a house to figure out a mytery masterminded by a little weird pale fat man.

More than Clue, it makes fun of a genre, and if you're a fan of murder mystery books, Nick and Nora or want to see Columbo spoofing Humphrey Bogart or Peter Sellers steal the show in a Charlie Chan send up, this isn't to be missed.


Also? Obi Wan Kenobi - plays a blind butler.

Quotes:

Milo Perrier: I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!

Sidney Wang: Yes, is confusing.
Lionel Twain: IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Dick Charleston: Up there, Dora, look - a blind butler.
Dora Charleston: Don't let him park the car, Dickie.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!
Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?
Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

Sidney Wang: Big house like man married to fat woman: hard to get around.

If I Were an Evil Overlord...

There are quite a few guidelines I would follow, because it seems that in the movies, no matter how smart the villians are, they always make a few fatal mistakes. Such as revealing the secret to their evil plans to the hero before they try to kill him. Or insisting on trying to bang the hero's girlfriend when she clearly wants to kill him. Or letting the plucky sidekick live...

Luckily, someone thought to write down a list of rules every Evil Overlord should follow.

Good research for someone lookin' to take over the world (Osama need not apply).


The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

read the rest at eviloverlord.com.