Resident Evil: Afterlife - Have Icee, Will Suspend all Disbelief

I've recently fallen in love once again with an old friend: the Icee.

It's a decadently sweet frozen treat, with just a hint of bubbles that spread the cherry-flavored sugar over your tongue in brain-freeze inducing bliss, and there's not an ounce of redeemable value in it, but isn't it just delicious?

It was the perfect beverage to accompany me when I went to go see Resident Evil: Afterlife in 3-D. I've been a longtime fan of both the movies and the video game series of the same name, and I've been waiting for the fourth installment with a giddy excitement that only comes with being a bit of a groupie.

Part of the reason is my weakness for all things zombie. The other part is the fact that for four movies, a female action hero has carried a movie with the same amount of badassness that a man would, and aside from an occasional Angelina Jolie vehicle, those types of characters seem to be regulated instead to character-driven dramas on cable.

Now, let me just get this out of the way: Resident Evil: Afterlife is a silly, silly movie. It's not nearly the horror-laden gore-fest that the first Resident Evil movie was, it's not the 'band of survivors zombie flick' that the second movie became, and it's not calculated and smart like the third movie.

And I'm not going to even try to mention the Resident Evil games, which are magnificent and genuinely terrifying (at least some of the better incarnations, like Resident Evil: 4). The simple fact is, the film franchise's heroine Alice is not in ANY of the videogames.

Resident Evil: Afterlife really just becomes a zombie-inspired Charlie's Angels flick, with action scene followed by action scenes, completely implausible situations, the ability to walk away from helicopters crashing into mountains and and find perfect make up when there's not a Wal-Mart to be found.

No matter what the circumstances, from being the last standing survivor in a apocalyptic world, to being drenched in sewage and blood, the leading ladies of Resident Evil: Afterlife will never look anything but slightly unruffled. Even Ali Larter's 'Claire', who begins the movie covered in dust and acting like a wild woman in arid Alaska, soon cleans herself off and has found mascara, blush, eye shadow and the perfect shade of lipstick, ready to stand beside Milla Jovovich and compete for the 'best pose while dripping wet in slow motion' award.

The script itself? Hokey and full of plot-holes the size of Antartica, following a formulaic-brand of shock-and-awe that leaves very little surprises. Two lead actors and a bit player jump into the water to swim to an armory. Guess which won't come back? Two lead characters and a bit player stand at the edge of a hole. Guess who is going to be sliced in half by the boss character who just showed up for no reason?

It kind of goes like that for the entire movie. Time for a fight scene! Time for Alice to look bad ass! Wait, has someone been mauled by a zombie in the last five minutes? Fixed it! Wait, we need some slow motion fight scenes with a completely implausible exit! Done! Let's have a guy keep a plane from sliding off a building with only his brute strength! He can do it! Yes he can!

But that's the point, isn't it? Resident Evil: Afterlife was shot in 3-D, with that same technology that brought us Avatar, and the result? A great looking movie. Everything about it is visually stunning. The women are stunning, the action is stunning, the cinematography is gorgeous, and it goes down as sweet and as sugary as an Icee.

The point is, if you're looking for a zombie movie? Rent Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead. Go see Resident Evil if you want to see hot chicks kicking ass, looking fantastic while they're doing it. Go see Resident Evil if you want to see awesome fight scenes, and get your adrenaline pumped. Resident Evil: Afterlife is worth watching if you can suspend your disbelief, go with the flow, and tell yourself that it's all just pretty movie-making.

And splurge a little and buy yourself an Icee to go with it. Trust me, it helps.

Love Is Pain - Reviewing The Runaways

An when I speak to you
You answer true
Or I will make you black and blue
I love to make you wait
You take the bait
I know you hate and love me too
- Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Love Is Pain

The Runaways is a gamble in more ways than one. The biopic, which tells the story of the rise and fall of the all-girl rock band that featured legendary female rocker Joan Jett, is in some ways, just like the 'experiment' that producer Kim Fowley utters the band itself to be. It features a mostly-female cast, a Hollywood standard that is usually reserved for the more formulaic 'chick flicks'. It features Dakota Fanning, who hopes to convince the audience with her performance that she is no longer the genius child actress and is believable as a naive teen who loses her soul to rock and roll. It features Twilight star Kristen Stewart, who tangles with critics and fans alike to be the anti-Bella in the slouchy, sexualized icon Joan Jett. In a lot of ways, the movie itself is much like the Runaways, who in their time were fighting to be respected and heard in a male-dominated rock scene.

Whether or not they succeed depends largely on the audience, but, like the band, I think they have a fighting chance.

The movie itself is told largely from the perspective of Cherry Curie (played perfectly by Dakota Fanning), which makes sense, since the script is based on an autobiography written by the former front girl. On the verge of womanhood, Cherry comes from a fractured home and is searching for a sense of self. She finds her inspiration in the gender-queer rock-god David Bowie (in his Ziggy Stardust glory), and when her Bridgett Bardot look lands her an audition with Joan Jett's female formed band, she finds herself thrust in the world of rock n roll with no real anchor to guide her. By her side, is Joan Jett (played with Kristen Stewart, who slouches and broods her way through with rocker authenticity), a self proclaimed 'Wild One', and distinctly different in the fact that she knows exactly who she is, what she wants, and who she is destined to become.

Shaping them both is brilliant producer Kim Fowley (strong and unforgettable Michael Shannon), who manipulates and brow beats the girls into international sensations.

The three characters weave together in a tapestry accented with distorted guitar riffs, scratchy voices, and the distinctly flavored bitterness of rock-n-roll. Though the feel itself verges too often into artsy, the movie is saved by the performances. Dakota Fanning is, as always, subtly brilliant and completely committed as the lost girl who embraces her rock identity only to lose herself in the process. Kristen Stewart's Joan Jett is a quietly bleeding protagonist, who opens herself into her music and only displays her vulnerability in her unflinching devotion to Cherry.

The relationship between the two is what propels the story forward, and it only makes sense that the last act falls slightly askew thanks to the relationship itself falling apart. When Cherry leaves the band, we're left to watch two characters floundering in the wind, and a tagged on epilogue that seems to come too fast, too soon.

Still, The Runaways is a gamble that is worth taking. It's intriguing, it's tragic, and it's blatant and not at all subtle about taking a male-dominated scene and trying to instill some tough-girl flavor in it.

After all, why should we let the guys have all the fun?

Celebrate Oscar Weekend with an action movie Slugfest

You know? Sometimes the best way to appreciate the Oscars is to appreciate the movies that have absolutely no chance in hell of ever winning one, but are just out to get some laughs, some guns, some cheap thrills, and maybe some stuff blowing up on the side.

So appreciate the Oscar Winners, but if you find time, take a sec and check out these flicks that would never make the podium, but damn fun to watch instead:

1. Bitch Slap - trailer
what: Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
why: This homage to exploitation flicks takes the campiness action of XENA: Warrior Princess and adds some R-Rated sex appeal to it. The movie may run a little long, but crisp, gorgeous visuals, seasoned character actors and lots of good old fashion sex & violence guarantee you'll be entertained to the bloody, pretty end.

2. Grindhouse: Planet Terror/Death Proof - trailer
what: Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino teamed up to make an ode to the drive in flick, gore included.
why: This was an interesting experiment that failed miserably, because we just don't have the attention span to sit through a four hour double header of a movie. Especially one that starts as slowly as 'Death Proof' does. Still, Death Proof picks up significantly when we team up with Kurt Russell and the second group of beauties (including stunt goddess Zoe Bell and a potty mouth Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson), and Planet Terror is gory, creepy fun - a zombie-esque flick with a girl with a machine gun for her leg. Seriously.

3. Tango & Cash - trailer
what:Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them.
why: I have a special place in my heart for this movie. Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell are just magic together in this quintessential late 80s flick that was all brawn and guns and quips. Oh, and Teri Hatcher and explosions. It's just... fun.

4. Big Trouble in Little China - trailer
what: An All-American trucker gets dragged into a centuries-old mystical battle in Chinatown.
why: I've just realized that three of these movies feature Kurt Russell. Is he the campy movie King? Quite possibly. And if you need a reason to watch Big Trouble in Little China, then I'm sad for you.

5. Desperado - trailer
what: A gunslinger is embroiled in a war with a local drug runner.
why: Robert Rodriguez takes the gun battle and makes it almost a musical with this tale of the mariachi with a load of guns in his guitar case who comes to a small town looking for revenge, and blows up stuff and kills a ton of people and sings and bleeds all over everything. It's quite poetic. And loud.

SQUIRREL!!! The Perils of ADD

Liberty Park, originally uploaded by Mistiec_Flores.

I went to my doctor yesterday, for a routine visit to discuss my Adderall prescription. He caught me sitting in the office in the dark, because I had been sitting in my chair for about ten minutes, enough to trick the motion sensors into believing there was no one in the room. I hadn't bothered to turn them on again, however, because I was playing quite happily on my Nintendo DS.

Yes, Adderall, that ADHD drug that actually really does help with focus but is badly abused as a weight loss suppressant and candy of the Hollywood Elite.

I tend to avoid taking it unless I absolutely have to, which means once or twice at work and almost never on weekends, unless there is a musical or play or something that will be particularly brutal to sit through (Dinners are generally harder than most, because my utter twitchiness will have me reaching for the salt or a straw or anything to 'play' with, which results more often than not in people snatching things out of my hand and ordering me not to play with my food).

I didn't take it all weekend (which resulted in monumental withdrawal headaches), and was commended on it by Laura.

"Honestly," I told her. "I just forgot."

She grinned. "SQUIRREL!"

Yes, Squirrel.

I think I must have done too good of a job at rationing myself, however. My doctor took a look at the last time he wrote a prescription and found himself perplexed that it had been that long.

"Hmm," he said, scribbling away at his pad, and then glanced up suspiciously. "Are you getting this prescription from anyone else?"

"No!" I answered, but he remained suspicious, wary that I had been cheating on him with another prescription writer. I shuffled in my seat, and finally slumped my shoulders. "Sometimes I just forget to take them," I mumbled.

He absorbed that. "Ah. That makes sense." And back to writing he went, satisfied.

'Squirrel!' I thought to myself, and sighed, thinking I should be wearing a metaphorical 'cone of shame'.

Don't you hate when you can most identify with an animated dog who is routinely distracted by a furry animal?

Don't know what I'm talking about? Watch this clip from UP:

Christmas Countdown

First it was Halloween that whizzed by me so darn fast it left me in a tailspin and with literal dried fake blood drying on my chin (from the costume. You know.). Then it was Thanksgiving, which was a blur of raw turkey and vegetable stock and simmering cranberries, mixed together with a helping of bittersweet family drama and a climatic coloring contest. ("I'm gonna win!" My mother would sing-song. "Stop it, Tia!" exclaimed one of my young cousins. "You're making me nervous!")

And now we move on to Christmas, and I feel like I've barely taken a breath! But Christmas remains my favorite time of the year, and this time, I'm determined to actually put some thought into my Christmas mix and not let it pass me by like I did the Halloween mix.

I've discovered that life just has no 'hold' or 'pause' button and while it's exhilarating, it's also a little exhausting!

Notable Things of the Last Few Week:

1. "The Grinch" at the Pantages Theater - Eh. It was cute, but honestly as far as Grinch stories go, I preferred both the movie and the cartoon. The Grinch himself was hilarious, but he was clearly doing a Jim Carrey impersonation, and honestly, for 80 bucks a ticket, I would have rather had something a little stronger than what I saw. The music was forgettable (except for the two you already know), the jokes were silly, and the dog, usually my favorite part of the movie and the cartoon, rapidly began to annoy the crap out of me. So there you go.


2. Movies, Movies, Movies - Two really great ones, and one that had me just plain perplexed.
a: Everybody's Fine - youtube trailer
With Kate Beckinsale (PRETTY!), Drew Barrymore (PRETTY!), Sam Rockwell (...COOL!) and Robert Deniro. It was actually a very sweet movie about a widowed father who, when his grown children all cancel on him for a visit, decides to hop on trains and buses to surprise them one by one. Along the way, he discovers that his children are not as 'fine' as he thought they were, and that thanks to his demanding nature, have grown to lie to him about how things are in order not to worry him.

Enjoyable movie, if sad and bittersweet.

b: Precious - youtube trailer
What's sad is I grew up in the inner city in LA, and I knew plenty of kids like Precious. There are too many true life stories of kids with abusive families and no hope, and this movie really got to me in that sense. Definitely worth watching, even if sitting through it can be an uncomfortable experience.

c: Twilight -
Er... what? Yeah, I rented it. I finally got curious. And I just don't get it guys. I tried, I did. But OMG it made my brain hurt. This movie is like a sugared-up Harlequin romance for a preteen so I get why they would love it so but... yeah. I was bored silly. And honestly, nothing drives me more crazy than 'telling' and not 'showing' and so I really wanted to scratch my eyes out because I couldn't figure out WHY Edward and Bella loved each other so much. There was NOTHING there but 'she smells good' and he 'couldn't read her thoughts'. I need MORE. Plausibility! Please! Find a nugget of it and I'll latch on! It's all I need!

Coming up? A Christmas Masquerade at the Disneyland Hotel, and 'the Wedding Singer' in Irvine. Yes, the musical. Am I excited? Oh you have no idea.

it's funny, you would never suspect that everyone at this school is a professional dancer

I may not watch as much television as I used to (and what I do, tends to air outside of the country, like Wire In the Blood, Los Hombres De Paco and now, Merlin), but even so, primetime network tv seems out to screw me.

It was bad enough when they put How I Met Your Mother, Chuck and The Sarah Connor Chronicles all on Monday night - and I was forced to scrounge the internet in an effort to catch up with Miss Sarah Connor, since my TiFaux only records two shows at a time, but now, they have added to the line up House?

Why? Why? When they moved Sarah Connor to Friday nights I thought I was clear! This is not to be, however - how am I to decide between the joys of Robin Sparkles, BuyMoria, and ... the weirdly nonsensicle reason I watch House?!

I shall console myself with a reviewing of one of my favorite guilty pleasures: Not Another Teen Movie.



And look! It's Ted Mosby!

Slumdog Millionaire at the Wadsworth Theatre

Yesterday I attended a screening of Danny Boyle's new flick 'Slumdog Millionaire' with a friend, which was followed by a Q&A moderated by Taylor Hackford with Danny Boyle himself and the cinematographer Anthony Dod Mantle, editor Chris Dickens and Indian superstar composer A.R. Rahman. Danny Boyle is the dream director behind movies like '28 Days Later', 'Trainspotting', and 'Sunshine'.

The invitation came at the last minute. My brain had stopped working (as tends to happen on a Thursday), and therefore that it was a Danny Boyle movie didn't quite register until we met up just outside the theatre and I again asked 'What are we watching?'

Normally I'm iffy about screenings, especially on a work night, but I trust Kevin. We met in college and suffered through a SCIFI course that came as part of our general elective requirements. Our teacher was a pervert. No seriously. The class consisted of us sitting in class and him showing us movies in fast forward. And he would fast foward to EVERY sex scene in the movie. It's how I watched Dracula. And Bladerunner. The good thing about that class was that I met Kevin - who is a fellow scifi geek in arms. He does Comic-Con. We talk Trek. And we love movies. And when it comes to movies, Kevin never disapoints.

Still, it was seven pm and I had yet to eat dinner. Kevin looked exhausted, and as we sat together in the crowded theatre (which was IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND) playing catch up, he relayed to me his reasons he now hated Vegas (they stole his car. he found it in San Diego. Long story.). So we were tired, hungry, and unsure if we were going to stay for the Q&A. I'm guessing the hosts had an idea much of the crowd was the same way, because they very kindly informed us that after the Q&A there would be desserts. Way to bribe us.

"What do you think?" he asked. "Do you want to stay?"
"Depends on how good the movie is," I replied.
"Sounds like a plan," he responded, and the theatre dimmed.

We stayed for the Q&A. Because this movie was awesome. Taylor Hackford, however, should never moderate again. Talented man, but he just did not stop talking. At one point he started going on and on about a Polish movie. Which is nice you know, but... let Mr. Boyle and the three other men speak too, please.

Based on the novel 'Q&A', Slumdog Millionaire follows the story of an eighteen year old orphan who is a contestant on India's 'Who Wants To be A Millionaire'. He is one question away from winning the grand prize - but how does a kid from the slums with no education get all the right answers to some of the most obscure questions? The police, who suspect him of cheating, want to find out.

And so we begin our journey with Jamal, as we venture back into his life and discover the clues to the answers that would come to him that fateful night. We meet his brother Salim, who challenges the violence that inhabits their life with more violence. And we also meet his true love, fellow orphan Latika, with whom he is desperate to reunite.

The movie is, in my mind, Danny Boyle's best movie. It's completely breathtaking from start to finish. Everything, from the music to the performances to that perfect shot he always seems to get, weaves together a story told in flashback and flashforwards, and what's more, it makes you ache.

Three different actors of varying ages play the three main characters (brothers Jamal and Salim, and fellow orphan Latika) throughout the movie. They're splendidly cast. There is no weak link in the six actors, which is astounding because of the youngest trio, two were children cast from the slums of India (And interesting aside to that I learned in the Q&A - these two children were placed in school and were given a large sum of money placed in their trust, to be given to them only when they finish school at the age of sixteen). It's an incredibly brilliant move, despite the difficulty they must have had casting, because it immediately reorientates the audience. So much of the story is told with sudden shifts of time, each distinctive face puts us immediately into the exact moment we need to be.

The movie appears to be about a gameshow, but that is only the vehicle. Instead, at it's heart Slumdog Millionaire proves to be the ultimate fairy tale and lovestory. Classic elements as old as time abound (true love, cain & abel, loss of family), and yet the movie does what a movie SHOULD do - take you to a place you've never seen before and make you feel like you've been there all along.

The film is a joyful experience that cuts into the heart of even the most cynical viewer. Fantastic film, and worth seeing in the theatre.

Slumdog Millionare Trailer

5 Halloween Movies For The Chicken

I'll be the first to admit it: I hate being frightened. I don't like Halloween Haunt at Magic Mountain or Knotts Scary Farm, because I don't feel like paying fifty bucks to have some creepy guy in a mask follow me all around. Also? I have a pretty high belt in tae kwon do, and have something of a quick reflex, and fear getting arrested the minute some zombie gets too close to me and I freak out and high kick him.

Besides, my very own haunted house is enough of a scare tactic for me, so while I like the idea of the creepies, I also like to sleep at night.

Here are five movie recommendations for your Halloween night if you're a chicken like me, but with enough of a chill factor to not make you come off like a COMPLETE loser. Note: it helps to have kids with you. At least that gives you an excuse.

Oh, and I'm not including 'A Nightmare Before Christmas' because... you know... everyone should have already seen it. And if you haven't? I can't help you.

1. Hocus Pocus - imdb link - clip on youtube

Bette Midler is at her comic best in this Disney flick about three wicked sisters brought back to life on Halloween to wreak havoc on modern day Salem. Ably backed up by a hilarious Kathy Najimy and a brilliant Sarah Jessica Parker, the Sanderson sisters are creepy, hilarious, and just scary enough to make you really really afraid they might suceed in their goal to suck out the lives of the children of Salem.

A hilarious classic. If you haven't seen it, you should.

Memorable Quote:
Winifred Sanderson: We're just a couple of spinster ladies.
Mary Sanderson: Spending a quiet evening at home.
Sarah Sanderson: Sucking the lives out of little children!

2. The Adams Family - imdb link - clip on youtube

Movie remakes are never as soon as the original series from which they were spawned, but this is a happy exception. Angelica Houston and Raul Julia light up the screen with their carnal interpretations of Gomez and Morticia, and a wee Christina Ricci does her best Winona Ryder impression as Wednesday, the world's smartest and evil and loyal kid. Charming and creepy and hilarious.

Memorable Quote:
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

3. Casper - imdb link - clip on youtube

Another tv remake of a show starring Christina Ricci, and just as charming. The friendship between Casper and the human he befriends is sweet, human, and engaging. And this friendly world of ghosts makes you wish you had a ghost friend of your very own. (You don't, though. Really.)

Memorable Quote:
Casper: I begged and begged my dad to give me this sled, but he acted like I couldn't even have it, because I didn't know how to ride it. But then one morning, I came down for breakfast and there it was, just for me, for no reason at all. I took it out, went sledding all day. And my dad said "that's enough" but I couldn't stop, I was having so much fun It got late, got dark, got cold...and I got sick, and my dad got sad.
Kat: What's it like to die?
Casper: Like... being born, only backwards. I remember, I didn't go where I was supposed to go. I just stayed behind, so my dad wouldn't be lonely.

4. Teen Witch - imdb link - clip on youtube

It's cheesy. It's silly. It's got the worst musical numbers in the world. It's horribly dated, and yet this movie, about the unpopular nerd who discovers she's actually a witch and sets about transforming herself into the most popular girl in school is one of those eighties cult classics that you just can't forget. Wanna know how I know? Two cousins, aged 8 and 18, have both immediately picked this DVD up and watched, captivated. It's timeless.

If you're a girl, at least.

Memorable Quote:
Kiki: Oh yeah? You're too lazy to even cover your roots!

5. Beatlejuice - imdb link - clip on youtube

Before there was 'A Nightmare Before Christmas', there was Beatlejuice. Who can forget Tim Burton's zany descent into the madness of the underworld, and the plight of the two left behind ghosts who aren't sure how to navigate through it?

Memorable Quote:
Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
Delia: Charles...
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.

MAX PAYNE + Guns - Stubble

* Beware - this is a review of a movie of a videogame by a gamer geek. As a result? There are spoilers for the movie and the video game, and a few comparisons. Because when it comes to Max Payne, I'm a gamer geek. And proud of it.

I have to admit, I was approaching the premiere of the Max Payne movie with both a sense of excitement and a little bit of dread. While there are probably fans of the Max Payne franchise that are a little more hard core than I am, I have a great, deep love in my heart for the video game and it's sequel.

It's the first first-person-shooter that I could literally NOT stop playing, and a lot of that had to do with not just the controls and game play itself, but the story. The noir-ish over-the-top voiceovers, coupled with the dark and imaginative comic book panels unfolded a story and a hero that was both deep and dense, disturbing and exciting. What sets apart Max Payne as a character and as a franchise from every other 'brooder with a gun' storyline is the richness of the world, the vitality of the characters, and Max's haunting gravely whisper, who gets into your head and reveals his intentions and feelings in poetic, complicated analogies and adjectives. He drowns in his emotion to the point where he can't function without it. It's what wills him to live and drives him half-insane in his quest to avenge the senseless murder of his family.

And the game itself? It's a barrage of shooting, pills, death, frigid climates and dreary backdrops. Characters emerge from the underbelly of the city Max inhabits, and they change loyalties and agendas midway through the game, keeping Max and the gamer on their toes every step of the way.

So maybe I was expecting too much when I waited for the Max Payne movie. I was hoping beyond hope that the tone would be there. The homages would resonate, and while I wasn't expect the exact same story, I was expecting the same tone.

There's two ways to judge the movie: in comparison to the game and on it's own. Unfortunately, for me at least, although it fared better as a standalone (thoough by no means exceptional), the video game was just miles better.

A lot of the failure is atributed to the lack of tone. The comic-panel's dark mood was definately mimicked, but gone were the voice-overs that narrated every step along the way. Instead, we hear only a voice-over at the beginning, one at the end. But nothing in between. We're left to navigate the world alone, and unfortunately, Mark Wahlberg's brood, one-expression Max just leaves us with a man who feels nothing but rage. Okay, fine, but is that Max Payne? It's hard to tell. It could be any other broody Punisher-Wolverine-Broody-Anti-Hero out there.

Another interesting note: the PG-13 rating. Understandably something most movie execs want, because it generates bigger box-office, but Max Payne is not a PG-13 game. It deals with drugs, with murders, with sex. Strip away its core elements and you again lose the tone. For a movie about a first person shooter, there is not a lot of shooting. And the result? It lags.

As Mona Sax, Mila Kunis steps up to the plate gamely, but the mysteriousness and fierceness of Max's future soul mate gets lost when she becomes regulated to 'semi-love-interest-with-possible-weakness-for-max(for no discernable reason'. Mona Sax is a bad ass, and she has her own agenda and her own conflicts. In the regard, the movie did her a disservice.

Of course all this whining and complaining comes from a fan of the game. As a movie goer? The movie could satisfy. Is it the next Iron Man? No. But it's well-filmed and put together in a pretty package. It's just disapointing because based on the source material? It could be so much better.

But I'm still hoping for the sequel. Max and Mona deserve their chance. Maybe the second time's a charm.

I, Chihuahua - Beverly Hills Chihuahua Screening & Meet-up

I will be the first to admit it. I am a proud owner of a yappy, ankle-biting, size-complex-having, brown rat-lookin' chihuahua.

Believe me, it was a shock for me too, when I first found myself an owner of a breed I had for the longest time sworn against. 'They're not dogs!' I would say fervently. I would point to our family German Shephard Indio and say, 'That's the kind of dog I'm going to have forever. A big dog. I can take on runs and walks and won't have to worry about stepping on!''

Don't ask me how it happened, but four years ago I ate my words when I fell in love with a little bitty thing no bigger than a newborn kitten, a gift from my grandmother, who lived in Chihuahua, Mexico at the time. A fitting present, I would think.

Thalia was a handful from day one. A small, rambunctious little thing, she was fiercely loyal and extremely capable of getting into trouble. Her penchant for pawing at heels meant she got stepped on once or twice, and when she was four months old, she broke her leg running down the stairs. Because her bones were as thin as matchsticks. A two thousand dollar operation later, she had the world's tiniest screw in her leg, and the world's biggest cast.

Now, I love my dog to death, but she does have her problems. She was spoiled as a puppy, and now trying to keep her from begging for food with her large brown eyes has led to a weight problem, because people don't know how to say no, even when I ask nicely not to feed the dog (and I indulge her sometimes too, I'm ashamed to admit). She barks maniacly at strangers who come into the house, and has been known to nip if someone reaches down at her. She has no undercoat, so I have to buy little coats and shirts and all that foofy stuff I used to claim I hated, just to keep the shivering girl warm. I can't take her on runs, she actually runs from the leash when she sees it, and if I want to go for a walk with her, I need to be sure to bring my backpack, to load her into when her feet get sluggish or her little ex-broken leg starts to ache. After a four hundred dollar training class, she knows 'heel', 'sit' and barely knows 'stay', and that's as far as she goes.

But I came to realize something very early on. Despite my prejudices and Thalia's size, that little yapper is all dog. And she's also my best friend. She's at my side every night and on weekends, she goes everywhere with me she's allowed to go. Malls, friend's houses, lunches, bike rides, and everywhere else. There's a plus to having a rat-sized little yapper. She can go nearly anywhere.

So I have a new appreciation for the breed of Chihuahuas, and although I kinda groaned with the rest of the populace when I saw the trailer for the new 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' movie, I had to admit, I kinda wanted to see it. Just to see what it was about. You know. Not lame at all.

Then I heard about a special screening taking place, in which, as a promo event, chihuahua owners and their dogs were invited to watch the movie for free. "Self?" I said, "This may be the chance you're looking for to check this movie out, and not look like a total geek. Just a crazy dog lady. You can handle that!" So I RSVPed plus two, because this was, after all a kids movie, and there needs to be an excuse to be there, other than the crazy dog lady thing. I dragged a friend into it, and then my trump card: my god-daughter, who at the age of 9, is the perfect excuse-er... age, to watch this film.

Thalia poor thing, endured much for the event. She was bathed, and then endured twenty minutes of torture as two adult, full grown women tried to hold down a seven pound chihuahua who hates having her nails clipped. Then it was into a spiffy little black and white dress ("I loathe you", her expressive eyes conveyed), and with a shiny new collar, we were off to the first public screening of 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'.

Neither I nor Thalia have ever seen so many chihuahuas in our life. There were chihuahuas in booties, in top hats, in designer couture gowns. There were chihuahuas in a wagon, six in all, sitting quite peacefully. There was a chihuahua named Kobe, dressed in a Laker's jacket, trying to scram from the place and it's overwhelmy femmy feel ("Kobe! Get back here!" yelled his distraught owner, navigating through the chihuahuas decked out in feather boas and moving over a chihuahua-sized red carpet).

It was a heck of a lot of chihuahuas.

Thalia, round-eyed and insecure, spent the majority of the wait time settled on my shoulder, holding on tight with her little paws and looking around. In the theater, she was draped over and under with my USC sweater, and settled into it for an hour and a half of loud noises and occasional yaps as the movie began.

You know? It's actually better than you'd think. I really enjoyed the movie. The story itself, is surprisingly sweet, and the trailer? misleading.

The plot itself is simple: a vain little Beverly Hills bred chihuahua named Chloe (Drew Barrymore), owned by a doting cosmetic mogul (Jamie Lee Curtis), finds itself lost in Mexico City, when her irresponsible vain petsitter (niece of said mogul, Piper Perabo) leaves her in her hotel room and the puppy is dog-napped. Aided by a reluctant ex-K-9 German Shephard (Andy Garcia) who can't seem to get the cop out of his system, she tries to find her way home, but the dog-nappers have figured out she's worth a fortune and send a doberman after her. Meanwhile, the bereft niece teams up with the mogul's landscaper and his little chihuahua mix Papi (voiced by a hilarious George Lopez) to help find the little doggie and bring her home.

The voice actors are spot-on, the characters are cute but not grating. The movie is very well aware of the fact that it's bringing you a movie about talking animals, and supplies the cheese accordingly, but adds a surprising amount of depth as well, particularly for a kid's film. A lot of this is thanks to Andy Garcia's German Shepherd, who is just the right touch of wry and jaded to balance the cute.

Not quite 'Homeward Bound' or 'Babe', but definately worth checking out.

ETA: more pictures from the event are here, and a really thorough review of the film (which I really agree with) is here.

Get BITCHSLAPed! In a B-Movie Kinda Way

Quietly (or not so quietly) making a splash on the internet is the grandchild of Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez' experimental flicks that morphed into 'Grindhouse'. Remember them? They were called 'Deathproof' and 'Planet Terror' and the original plan by the film mavericks was to release them together in a back to black block that would be connected together with some fake gory trailers.

The experience itself was meant to bring to life the old 'grindhouse' movie events. You know, the drive-ins, and the carnage, and the exploitation. The films themselves, in their original incarnation had scratches and 'missing reels', over the top violence, and empowered woman who weren't afraid to pick up a gun in a slinky dress or drive a car off a cliff and ram it into a jerk who would dare mess with their sexual liberation.

Unfortunately for Quentin and Robert, the mass audience didn't quite catch the 'GRINDHOUSE' appeal. The movies flopped at the box office, and rather than try to market them as a pair, the movies were then split up and sold as two different DVDs, and overseas, released as individual pictures, sans trailers. It's a shame, because I was able to catch the entire thing on STARZ one night, and it made for an interesting experience. On their own, the movies are kitchy and fun, but together, they made a powerful pair.

All is not lost for fans of the genre, however. Ready to take their place as the cult b-movie exploitation classic of the new millineum if the brand new BITCHSLAP. Featuring hot girls and hot cars, and hot guns and ... hot weather, the storyline is delightfully noir-ish. Three bad girls get together to attempt to extort money from a ruthless kingpin (Because that's always a GREAT idea), and things go typically to hell.

The cast is full of B-Movie superstars in the making, not limited too campy cult stars Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Conner from Xena and Hercules fame, and Zoe Bell, action stunt woman turned actress, who subbed for Uma Thurman in Kill Bill and then went on to dangle from a car in Deathproof (You know... that Quentin Grindhouse flick).

The website advertises it as destined to be a cult classic. You be the judge of that when you watch the trailer, and visit the official website. Sounds like they're on their way.

Hairspray 2 - Electric Boogaloo

According to Variety, New Line has asked definitive director John Waters to pen a treatment for a sequel to the popular Hairspray movie musical that was the adaptation to of the broadway musical that was the adaptation of the John Waters movie starring Ricky Lake *inhales*. So yeah, that movie.

They're writing a sequel. I'm simultaneously frightened out of my wits and kinda excited. John Waters is kind of a genius, and if they get the music right it might be interesting to follow Tracy, Link, Penny and Seaweed into happily-ever-after to find out what happens when their big thinking collides with the stupids of the world.

But on the flipside? This started because of the 'High School Musical' fad. If this is a success, what's next? Wicked 2 - Escape to New York - in which Fiyero and Elphaba run away from Oz and end up in New York City, where they encounter hilarious escapades as only a green witch and a straw man can?

I'm just so confuddled.

Top Female Buddy Films That Aren't 'Thelma & Louise' & The Bechdel Test

The Hathor Legacy recently posted a really interesting blog called 'Why Film schools teach screenwriters to fail the Bechdel test'.

For the unknowing, the Bechdel test derived from a cartoonist named Alison Bechdel. In one of her comic strips, two women characters talk about what movie they're going to see and one says she only sees a movie if a) there is more than one female (named) character in it and b) the two females must have a conversation that is involving something OTHER than a man.

It seems silly, until you look at the top ten box office sales for the past weekend and discover... wait a minute, is there EVER more than ONE female prominent figure in a high grossing movie?

This week, we have Mamma Mia, which raised our curve, but honestly: Dark Knight, Hancock, Hellboy II, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Wanted, Get Smart - is there ever any more than just ONE featured female in any of these? Do they talk to ANY other women?

Recently one entertainment president, following the 'disapointing' success of "The Brave One" cited that there would be no more female fronted big-budget films because 'there's no money in it'. Really? I mean, let's put this into perspective and remove 'female' and substitute: male. or black. or hispanic. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? And yet, he got away with it, because that's how Hollywood thinks.

Things are slightly better in television. The sucess of Alias, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Le Femme Nikita and other female oriented action series proves that a female can front a franchise, but why is there such a long way to go in movies? Why can we never have more than one woman in a film?

This is especially frustrating for screenwriters, because you want to write from within yourself and yet you're often told to sell yourself short to write for a 'formula'. Some, like Diablo Cody, manage to break the code and give us gems like 'Juno' but other times, we take well written dramas like 'Women's Murder Club' and wittle them down to 'Sex & the City! With Guns!'.

Females are so much more than that.

To celebrate this idea, I've put together a small list of five movies that featured women talking to each other about things OTHER than men. These aren't the only films out there, and some are certainly not the best, but there should be more of them, that's for sure.

And no, Thelma & Lousie isn't on this list. Why? Because it's on EVERY list when someone brings up 'female driven movies' and I don't think (SPOILER ALERT!) a movie where the women go on a rampaging crime spree and then pitch themselves over a cliff rather than live in a man's world (/SPOILER ALERT) is the definintion of the world's best female buddy film. Until I see Rush Hour 10 or Bad Boys 12 end the same way, I'm not buying it.

1. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - imdb link - clip on youtube

It's really too bad that Jane Russel and Marilyn Monroe never made another movie together. In this one? They were pure odd-couple gold. Dorothy is a no-nonsense fun-loving gal who performs with her best friend, gold-diggin, show-stopping Lorelei. Lorelei is engaged to marry a lovable doof of a millionaire, but when he allows her to go on a cruise , her love of money and diamonds and rich men may get them both tossed into the poor house on their sequined behinds.

What's wonderful about this film is their fierce devotion to each other. No matter who's wrong, or who's right, who's in love and who isn't, they steadfastly remain best friends with nary a catfight in sight. Isn't that refreshing?

Memorable Quote:
Dorothy Shaw: Honey, did it ever occur to you that some people just don't care about money?
Lorelei Lee: Please, we're talking serious here.

2. FEDS - imdb link - clip on youtube

Another odd-couple comedy that is sadly underrated, this film starred Rebecca De Morney and comic Mary Gross as the lone two female cadets who have been accepted into the FBI. One a jock, the other a brain, they come together when they face sexual discrimination and learn to fight for what they deserve: the right to be FBI agents.

Just a lot of fun. It's hard to find, but if you do, take a look. You'll get a lot of laughs and you'll be cheering for the girls in the end.

Memorable Quote:
Ellie: “I hope the people of United States of America will be able to sleep better knowing that women like us have guns- thank you.”

3. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion - imdb link - clip on youtube

A modern classic and with good reason. These best friends-without-a-clue are lovable losers who decide to attend their high school reunion to show up the mean girls who tormented them in high school. The problem: they don't have much to show them up with. With fake jobs, fake suits and fake stories, they head back and discover nothing is more impressive than just being yourself.

Dumb and Dumber with a heart, it's just a fun, silly film with a penchant for the outcast.

Memorable Quote:
Romy: Isn't it weird when you're not friends with your friends anymore? I mean, Michele and I just fell out of touch about two hours ago.

4. Resident Evil Trilogy - imdb link - clip on youtube

Not all female buddy films are comedies. The Resident Evil films features ultimate Mary Sue 'Alice', an agent who has been infected with a virus and battles zombies. In each movie, she gets a team of ragband fighters who work with her, and each time, we get another ass-kicking female who shares quips and gunfire with the ambivalent heroine. Hey look! More than one woman in a film! Kicking ass! Taking names! It can be done!

Memorable Quote:
Alice: You won't have to wait that long, boys. Because I'm coming for you. And I'm gonna be bringing a few of my friends.

5. The Heroic Trio - imdb link - clip on youtube

Hong Kong Action Hero Michelle Yeoh broke ground in the eighties and nineties when she starred in a slough of sucessful action flicks that proved that females were ass-kickers too. One cult favorite is 'The Heroic Trio' and featured not just Michelle, but Hong Kong Legend Maggie Cheung and Hong Kong's version of Madonna, the deceased Anita Mui (RIP).

In a dark version of the world, an evil Eunich steals the newborn sons from terrorized couples, with the help of the mysterious 'Invisible Girl'. But Hong Kong has an Action Hero in the form of 'Wonder Woman' who teams up with mercenary for hire Theif Catcher to stop the crime and in the process, learn the true identity of Invisible Girl. When the three woman finally come together to stop the Eunich, they become the ultimate crime fighting team.

It's a dark, dark fantasy, but features amazing actresses and strong performances from all the leads. Definately worth watching if you're looking for some good female roles played with conviction. But I would avoid the sequel 'the Executioners', because if you think THIS one is depressing, baby? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Memorable Quote:
Theifcatcher (while keeping the other two from falling off a cliff): Um... EXCUSE ME? Can you two please hurry up and make a decision?!

Any films I missed? what are your suggestions?

It's Bullet Time: Max Payne Gets A Trailer

Because I'm a gamer, I get geeky over silly stuff that no one else would care about. Case in point? The upcoming Max Payne movie, which has now released a trailer.

Max Payne and Max Payne II are my favorite video games ever. I don't know if it's the over the top dialogue, or the bullet-time, or just the unrelenting noirish cheese, but I'm a sucker for a good story and complicated characters. The Max Payne universe has it in spades. A dark, tragic hero, a serious femme fatale, and bad guys who are ... well... genuinely bad. And not at all stupid.

So of course it was only a matter of time before some movie studio would by the rights to take the great story and make it into a two hour shoot-em-up action flick. As a fan, I was worried. And a little obsessed. Then they cast baby-faced Mark Wahlberg as the iconic, scruffy, pill popping grisled detective Max Payne. More worried. Then they cast impossibly beautiful Mila Kunis as Mona Sax. I was... surprised. I got a hold of the script, but haven't had a chance to read it. So far it looks like it's going to follow the first game pretty much to a Tee, but with more Mona, which means Mila, best known for playing screechy rich girl Jackie on That '70s Show and helping that guy on How I Met Your Mother get over Sarah Marshall, has her work cut out for her, playing the bad ass hardened assasin Mona Sax.

And now we have a trailer:




It's very very pretty.

Content? We'll see. But at least Mila Kunis looks the part. And Mark Walhberg got the scruffy voice down.

Off Topic but still relevant:

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the screwball comedy about four losers (and Danny Devito) who run a bar, has been picked up for 39 more episodes. That's a LOT of underachieving to giggle at.

The Emmy Nominations came out. 30 Rock continues to rule all, but Two and Half Men? Again? Seriously? Are all the emmy voters over 60? And who on earth still thinks Boston Public is one the best shows on television? Are we stuck in a repeat? New blood, please. NEW BLOOD! Color me thrilled though, that Kathy Griffin got a nomination for 'Straight to Hell'. She already told Jesus to suck it and outed Barbara Walters as a lube user. I don't know what else she can do to offend the masses.

Joss Whedon took over the internet with a web miniseries musical starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillon called 'Dr. Horrible's Musical Sing-Along'. For the record? I hated the Buffy Musical. I thought it sucked. I'm still watching this. You should too. Watch it. Because everyone else already is.

Also, as if Wii can't get any sillier, they're giving us light sabers. Honestly, people, these things aren't making it any easier for us twenty-something losers to grow up.

Keeping up Comic Geek Appearances:

And in celebration of the fact that I'm finally getting to go see Iron Man this weekend, witness Marvel and DC finally find common ground:



It only took electrocuting SpiderMan in the balls to do it.

GRINDHOUSE: Legs Are Flyin' Left and Right

Finally got a chance to watch 'Grindhouse'; the teaming up for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino that was a throw back to those early eighties gore and slash exploitation films. I had always wanted to watch it, and was disapointed when the doubleset of films was split up after a poor box office performance. One thing you should never do is mess with a director's vision.

Okay, most of the time. Unless it's BloodRayne, and in that case, you shouldn't let that guy direct it in the first place. Because... wow - that's twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Thankfully, STARZ is running the Grindhouse movies intact, complete with scratchy film, fake trailers, and missing reels, so I got to get the experience the double feature the way the director's intended.



Sorta. It was very late at night when I started and I kinda fell asleep during the first fifteen minutes of DeathProof.


I watch movies very late.


Still, I really enjoyed the flicks. Probably more than I expected to. I've never actually watched any of the early 80's drive in gore films. They were before my time. I started came into the movie watching, movie lovin' haze around the time of 'Goonies', 'Girl's Just Want To Have Fun', 'Hiding Out' and 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. It was all about bad hair and big dreams, and was still too young to really explore the lost mine of gore and boobs.

Of the two, Planet Terror was the most enjoyable. I'm a big fan of cheese, and gore, when it's done well and with imagination, such as the romantic blood-splattered Shaun of the Dead. Combine hot one legged girls with guns in the place of legs with a lot of guns and a lot of fighting? I'm so there. Add in an obscure reference to Ava Gardner? You've got me for life.

Also, the fake trailer for Machete, featuring 'that guy' character actor, he of all the knives in Desperado, was my favorite of the bunch.

Deathproof, from the always sometimes too talky Quention Tarantino, also featured strong lead characters and an unconventional leg amputation. Still, it took forever to get going, especially after the 'punch-you-in-the-gut' immediate action that Planet Terror gave you. The crescendo itself was worth the wait, however, for the punched up, octane-filled thirty minute finale featuring action stunt woman Zoe Bell perched up on the hood of a car, going 80 miles an hour. And a lot of cussing. And the chance for Kurt Russell, who will always be the bad ass mouthy truck driver from 'Big Trouble In Little China', to be crazy again. Lately he's just been a little too serene, what with his hockey miracles and all.

Starz seems to be the only place you can actually watch the doublefeature the way it was originally released. Planet Terror and Deathproof are now sold as their own discs, which is a shame. Lose the scratchy footage and the 'missing reels' and I think you take some of the character out of it too. Hopefully the distributers will realize there's a market for collectors, and at least try to join the two halves in the future.

Alternative V-Day Movies: Be Romantic Without Being a Schmuck

I have to admit, Valentine's Day has never gone over smoothly for me. I have vivid recollections of disapointing gifts, awkward break-ups, and at one point in time, two guys showing up at my house in the space of a half an hour.

Add to that a fear of committment that stems from the fear of getting married, and you have an insecurure individual who resents Valentine's Day and yet still battles a romantic's heart.

That said, I'm the kind of person that scoffs at The Notebook, hated the Titanic for the sheer idiocy of Kate Winslet's character jumping BACK ON THE BOAT, and hated Julia Ormand's character from 'Legends of the Fall' because she was a selfish bitch.

If you're like me, and can still appreciate a sentimental holiday without wanting to sift through the dreck that is over indulgent sappiness (Buffy and Angel make me gag), here's a few movies to consider that will still make you happy about love, without losing some dignity.

1. There's Something About Mary
What it's About: An awkward teenager lands the girl of his dreams for prom night, only to have a disastrous accident involving his balls. Years later, he can't get Mary out of his head, and he embarks on a mission to find her.
Why it's Alternative: Full of gross out gags and weirdo characters, There's Something About Mary is a guy's romance movie. What makes it work is a likable lead , killer villains, and a surprisingly earnest love story that actually makes you tear up a little. Mary herself is a guy's invention of 'The Perfect Girl' but surprisingly, Cameron Diaz pulls her off as layered and human: that's quite a tall order.
Schmuck Rating: C. You can claim you're watching it for the penis jokes, and on one will be the wiser.
youtube clip

2. Imagine Me & You
What it's About: A bride meets her soulmate on her wedding day. It's not her husband, and it's a chick.
Why it's Alternative: You don't see that many romantic comedies featuring two ladies as the star crossed lovers. And a pre Terminator Lena is refreshingly engaging as the florist who falls for the bride.
Schmuck Rating: B+ - it's got some sappy moments, but you can always chock it to watching two hot chicks.
youtube clip


3. The Bourne Identity
What it's About: An ex assasin with no memories struggles to uncover his past and evade the conspiracy that is threatening to bring him down.
Why it's Alternative: It's a shoot-em-up action flick, but the love story behind it is better done than most action movies.
Schmuck Rating: F - You're no schmuck, you just like a good action movie, dammit.
youtube clip


4. Practical Magic
What it's About: Two witch sisters' past comes back to haunt them, literally, when one's abusive boyfriend rises from the dead.
Why it's Alternative: Not as cheesy as it sounds, and it's a love story about family.
Schmuck Rating: B - it's a chick flick, but Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are really hot in it.
youtube clip


5. Juno
What it's About: A teenager discovers she's pregant, and resolves to have the baby and give it to a picture perfect family she finds in the penny saver.
Why it's Alternative: You can't get much more alternative than a teen pregancy storyline.
Schmuck Rating: B- - it never ventures into sappy, and it's Oscar Nominated. And it was also written by an ex-stripper.
youtube clip

Stephen King! You see what you did?

They've confirmed it. Like, scientifically.

No one likes friggin' clowns.



Have that many people seen Stephen King's 'IT'?

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Have a Baby Together

No, it's not a coming out party, but if you remember Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's tag-team anchoring of 'Weekend Update' on SNL, then you'll be as excited as I am about the trailer release of their new flick 'Baby Mama'.



Come on. It's gonna be awesome, in a 'almostforty-single-successful-can'tgetaman-wowthisisfamiliar' cultural funny way.

Also? It's Tina Fey. She rules.

It's raining B-Celebrities! (meh)

Apparently I've discovered what B and C-Level celebrities do when they're not working on movies: going to see movies.

During the murky stormy weekend, everyone and their mom (and my mom) decided to go to the movies. In the course of such outings, I bumped into the Niecey from Reno:911 (the big butt cop lady) and the Style Network, sat next to Breckin Meyer (who seemed oddly disapointed that I didn't freak out when he said hi), and passed Elizabeth Berkeley on a date (she looked very pretty with her clothes on).

Of course the best part for me, was learning that one of the waiters at my local Cheesecake Factory is none of than the reformed cholo on Women's Murder Club, who had a murdered vet brother, and shot at Lindsay and Jacobi, and later helped them catch the bad guy, thanks to Jill.

I've had lunch at Blake Edwards and Julie Andrews' house, during which Blake told stories about Audrey Hepbourn and Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Julie Andrews talked about Mary Tyler Moore. I've kept my head, but when I saw that guy with his little black tie and white shirt, I literally squealed.

I'm such a geek.

Also, I've finally played Brain Age on my DS. I've discovered that while ideally I should have a 20 year old brain, my Brain Age is 80.

Okay, that's just embarrasing.