The Balance Board - My Nemesis of old.

I'll say it. I hate my Wii Balance Board. It may be the most transparent personification ever, but I think she's a cocky sonofabitch.

Why? Because the bitch made me fat! Well, okay, I was already chubby - but my poor little Mii character wasn't. She was just happily oblivious, moving along in her own little Mii world, playing with the other Miis, when I went and bought the Balance board and did my 'body test'.

Little did she know that as soon as my board decided I was overweight, it would grab hold of her and balloon up her weight to make her look like she had a basketball stuffed under her generic red shirt! The look on her poor face!

I was horrified. I was scarred. How Rude! And I decided that I hated my balance board, and I swore to my poor little Mii that I would free it from the tubs of lard it had inherited for having the bad fortune to be MY Mii.

Since then, my Balance Board and I have engaged in a battle of wills. It scolds me, I flick it off. It tells me I need to train every day, I glare. It offers a healthy 'tip' and I explain to that bastard that I can read a book for that.

And I ignore the running game completely. But that's more because no matter how 'interactive' that thing wants to be, I'm still running in place.

But at least some of my hard work has paid off - my little Mii is less round than she used to be.

Still, I doubt that immediately inciting horrified gasps by mutating your poor little Mii is quite the approach the WiiFit should take to get results from its buyers.

Then again, this is the game that shoots shoes at your head.

It's such a sadistic little bastard, isn't it?