The Secret To Chopping Onions

I need to know. Because I love to cooke, but onions are my arch Nemesis.

I don't just cry when I chop them. I turn into a blubbering, eye stinging, tortured mess. You know, if I were ever a super hero? My vulnerability would be those damned onions. Seriously, I could be saving a vault full of hostages, get an arm chopped off, and keep going, but if those people pulled out fresh onions and threw them in my face?

Game over.

It was never more evident than this morning, when I endeavored to put together some quick ingrediants for a pot roast to throw in the slow cooker before I went to work. It was pretty simple: meat, potatoes, carrots, worcheshire sauce, garlic, red wine vinegar, ketchup, rosemary... and onions.

Those EFFIN' onions!

Oh my GOD. Those damned fumes hit me so hard I could have been run over with a truck. Eyes stinging, watering so badly I was chopping blind, I was praying that the torture would end without me chopping off a finger because I friggin' couldn't see.

If I wasn't already literally sobbing, I would have cried from the pain.

Four hours later, my eyes are STILL stinging. I feel like I've been tortured and am dealing with post traumatic shock.

I can't take it, ya'll. I need to face my onion fear head on. Thank God, a quick google search has led me to a list of options in dealing with my nemesis: the onion.

From the Ludicrous to the Fairly Reasonable:

1. Holding a match in your teeth.
Apparently the match head is supposed to absorb the fumes. That doesn't sound fun for me unless I'd get to light the match. Still... if it didn't work I'd be a crying mess and setting my mouth on fire. Moving on.

2. Use a Sharp Knife.
The sharper the knife the less acid fume is released. Fine. Be reasonable.

3. Put the Onion In the Freezer
Okay... maybe I'm being a food snob here but... wouldn't that just mess with the taste of the onions? If you freeze it then wouldn't it be like freezing a tomatoe and messing up the... er.. fruit cells? Or something?

4. Use goggles.
Fashion be damned, I might actually try this. People seem to swear by it. Now if only I swam enough to own a pair.

5. Put it under running water.
Okay... I'm a pretty consistant chopper but this seems kinda silly unless you want to cut your hand off.

6. Chop more onions.
Apparently you can build up immunity to it if you just chop more onions. Sounds like a brute's plan. But I've always liked a little pain.

7. Remove the root and bulb.
Cutting around the root and removing the bulb apparently eliminates the threat. And also like... half the onion.


Hmm. What to do. What to try? Does anyone have any onion cutting secrets?